Back in San Diego

CK/ We're back in the U.S. after 30 straight hours of travelling, of which, 24 were spent on an airplane. Once deciding that you're ready to go, the process of leaving the Peace Corps in Cameroon is relatively quick. The sheer fact that its Thursday already is a bit astounding. Each day in Cameroon literally felt like month. But since leaving the training site, the days have sped up. I look outside the window at Kim's mom's place and wonder that its still summer? That its still June!? Its 6am now, we arrived at the airport at 8pm yesterday and here's a brief synopsis of our last 2 days in Cameroon.

Monday.
8am - Tell the trainers we're leaving. They're shocked, we're shocked. We cry, they console, and a few of them look crestfallen. I feel lots of guilt.
10am - Return to our host family. Tell them we're leaving. They nod and look crestfallen yet they understand - they knew something was wrong with us. We cry some more and pack and wait to get picked up.
2pm - We return to Yaounde, see the medical staff, get forms and fill them out, get more forms for medical stuff stateside, get Larium to take for the next 4 week. Return medical kits, water filters, settle finances, meet up with the 2 volunteers who decided to leave before we did (we were not the first), talk a lot. At this point we start relating the process to that of a divorce. I feel this is apt so I'll try to touch on it again later.

Tuesday.
8am - Meet with the Country Director for our exit interview. We were nervous as we heard that when Simone and Julie (ET #1 & ET #2) spoke with him he was upset. I thought our interview went pretty well though. We tried to explain that we were deeply upset and depressed. That we were as surprised and confused as anyone. That we didn't feel that the staff had done anything wrong. We told about the extreme stress we were under, our health concerns, our fears for our relationship, the inevitableness of our decision, and our respect for the trainers and for the Peace Corps. But in 3o minutes I found it impossible to convey to someone we barely knew how we (Kim and I), were not the Kim and I our friends and family know. We were not the happy, enthusiastic, loving, curious, funny, expressive, empathetic people that I believe those who know us can see and nod and say, "They're perfect together... They'll go far... They'll do great things."

The Country Director asked if there was anything we thought they or we could have done differently. I felt pretty ineffective at this point. I told him that we had had the greatest hope and intentions upon our arrival, that these great expectations had somehow been turned on their head in mere days. My one suggestion noted that, for our personal health and safety issues, they should tell us more before we come or less once we get there, but after this was met by a harsh rejoiner that (Africa) was "Not a walk on the Santa Monica Pier," I was a bit glum and felt that our concerns were falling a bit on deaf ears. I was also surprised that we weren't asked more about the feelings of the other trainees. When we had told the medical officers that many people in our group were feeling similar to ourselves, the PCMOs were concerned as it was unusual for many trainees to already want to leave. Our interview was short (20 minutes) and went pretty well overall.

2pm - The four of us (Simone, Julie, Kim and I) leave for the airport. As there were no flights for us our of Yaounde on Tuesday, they drive us 3 hours north to Douala where the other international airport is. The drive was an exciting experience of dodging dumptrucks and logging semis (driving in Cameroon is basically a perpetual game of "Chicken" and accidents happen very often), appreciating the natural beauty of the country (once out of the cities, it really is very beautiful), guessing what the dead animals people were holding up on the side of the road to sell were (mostly squirrels and some opossum-looking marmots) and reflecting on the decision we all had made. I keep feeling very sorry for having left so early, yet I know it was our best (and only) choice. And the regret I feel is not for the decision made but for a reality that deflated our expectations and a vacuum that threatened to consume our desire and hope.

5pm - Dinner. After a long and sad car ride, our little group is happy and laughing. We talk about our homes and banter about what we will do after we return. We all agree that we feel an obligation, a weight on our shoulders that, at least for me, will occupy my thoughts and shape what I do over these next 2 years.

9pm - We board our flight for Zurich. I'm still upbeat but sadness creeps in and continually tests my conscience for any cracks of doubt. I quickly realized when we made the decision to leave that it was critical that I was sure it was right one. Conscience has a clear window to one's heart and there are no corners to hide in :)

After Zurich (8 hours), we went to Paris (1.5 hours), Houston (10.5 hours), and San Diego (3.5 hours). I rewatched "Rumor Has It" and "The Pink Panther," talked, reflected, slept and did a fair share of airport sprinting during which you feel very much a traveler.