Return

KS -
So we’ve been back a few days now and are slowly adjusting to the time, food, climate (sure has been hot here ey?), and the idea of being here.

I feel I need to say, immediately, how grateful I am to be received by our true friends and family, with support and without judgment. Thank you to everyone who understands that this is something we wanted to do because we truly want to give back and that we still intend to do so, and that recognizing that something is wrong for you doesn’t mean you aren’t the better for having tried.

We knew it would be hard in many ways, we were prepared, we did the research and reading, bought the gadgets, talked to people, and thought we knew as much as possible about what we might expect. The reality was different, as sometimes it can be, in so very many ways, and only being there yourself can justly explain. The culture placed unexpected limitations on us, the welcome was more cold than warm, the optimism and excitement, not there in the way I had imagined. The apathy, resignation, and fatalism: Heavy. This is not to say that it was all bad. Or that everyone would have the same experience, that even we would have had the same experience, in a different country, or at a different time in our lives. Cameroon is a beautiful country. Look out Costa Rica if eco-tourism ever rears it’s green head, Cameroon will take you down! Some of the people and staff we met were wonderful, persevering and gracious. And, despite our quick departure, we were ensured that we will always have a family waiting for us in Mbalmayo, and that is so amazing.

I hear that some might misconstrue Chris’ earlier post on the time being hard on our relationship as a sign of marital trouble – being newly married and moving half way around the world – this wasn’t the case at all. The problem was not in the strength of our relationship, or the reactions we had being too different (in fact they were very much the same), but rather us realizing we liked what we had, and didn’t want to sacrifice it for what we thought we had come for. And the longer we spent the more we felt we might actually have to choose. It was culturally inappropriate to have the wonderful, silly, loving relationship we so enjoy. Showing any sort of affection toward each other - we were lead to believe, and to some extent experienced - was inappropriate and might actually put us at some sort of a safety risk. The experience is stressful – just making it through the day, eating and drinking - and not to be able to hold someone’s hand when you need them, is hard. And then when the day is through, you are so spent from having ‘survived’ you have little time or energy to put into that one you care the most about. Some may think we are naïve for giving up an experience like this because we couldn’t be mature enough to separate ourselves, but how often does this kind of happiness come around? You can put yourself through all kinds of torture alone because you think you need to, but it’s much harder to watch the one you love go through it and not question whether or not it’s worth it. We will find a better way, together.

After 10 days of unhappiness I caught a glimpse of the person I might become at the end of it, and realized that wasn’t the person I wanted to become. Those weren’t ways I was willing to change. Part of going was to try and change myself. But in deciding to come back I’ve actually found I like the person I was leaving behind more than I thought. So if nothing more, I’ve found many things I didn’t realize I liked so much about myself, and that’s not so bad J

All the people I’ve returned to who have said that they knew that person all along, Thank you. It makes me smile. I will take my idealism and the things I like about who I am and build on them in a positive and healthy way.

I suppose in some ways I felt that I needed to be a martyr in order to help people. That I had been given too much in my life without earning it, and I had to give it all up and be miserable in order to level the playing field and help. What I found is that I can’t be of much service unhappy, sick, or scared, and that I can do good from a place of balance within my own life. I don’t have to sacrifice my health and happiness to help others, of anything it would be doing a disservice to them to try. I could have pushed through for a couple of years, and come out the other side worn down and depressed, but able to check that duty off my list. Instead, I can resume my wonderful romance, dabble in the hobbies I enjoy, and do all the things that make it possible to maintain the momentum I need to live a lifetime of service.

So in closing, - if you are still with me J - I just want to say, don’t be afraid to try.Plenty of successful people can tell you that, and coming from them it might be intimidating, but coming from someone who has “tried” and “failed” I’ll tell you it’s been an amazing journey. I’ve learned that it won’t kill me if it doesn’t end up the way I had planned, that I can still feel better for not having to ask the “What if’s?” and realizing that I know myself better than I thought in some ways, and that in those ways I didn’t know myself, at least I could acknowledge my limits.